America Has A Very Serious Peanut Problem; I Have The Solution(s)
This may sound like a joke, but I assure you this is true and it might be devastating to hear: there are way too many peanuts right now! The long and short of it is peanut farmers grow their peanuts based on demand they get in October, so the peanuts you eat on Opening Day were essentially conceived during the playoffs, somewhere between the Twins losing to the cheating Yankees and the World Series. The concession vendors bought all of them and now they have nowhere to put them since apparently baseball games account for roughly 20% of all peanuts eaten in this beautiful country. (Editor's note: this does not include peanut butter, these nuts are specifically chosen to be sold as whole peanuts) The other 80% are eaten at Texas Roadhouses. With a 20% surplus, they're running out of places to store these peanuts, not unlike when there was too much oil that caused oil futures contracts to go negative a while back.
Baseball has been saved, but without fans in ballparks to eat these peanuts, we're just gonna have this insane surplus of salty legumes... what are we supposed to do, throw them away?! I will not stand for that. I'm here, not on behalf of Big Peanut, but as a red-blooded American who wants to take advantage of my God-given right afforded to me by the Constitution and be taken out to the ballgame to have some unknown companion buy me some peanuts and goddamn Cracker Jacks, I don't care if I never get back.
We all need to be wearing masks right now if we hope to ensure this peanut laden hellscape doesn't become the new normal, but if you need to (temporarily) stuff your face with the All American peanut, at least you're doing your civic duty in upholding this time honored tradition. I suppose we can make an exception for that. On a related note, peanuts make great, harmless ammunition to throw at anyone who's not wearing their mask and getting a little too close for comfort. Now at the risk of sounding like a shill for some peanut shells, I have come up with some ideas on how we can get rid of these peanuts once and for all (until next year).
First and foremost, obviously we need to start a GoFundMe for whoever is in charge of crunchy peanut butter's marketing department. Crunchy peanut butter has been relentlessly slandered on Al Gore's Internet, and it's high time somebody does something to change that. These peanuts are still in nut form, making them perfect candidates to transition into a delicious hybrid mix that combines the best of both worlds.
This next one is for you Hampton Farms. Even though he wasn't your mascot, Mr. Peanut is dead (but also reborn?) and right now there are 2.3 million pounds of his brethren just sitting in a warehouse somewhere in North Carolina that you control and it's your responsibility to America's Pastime to help get these peanuts out into the public. Throw a promotion, sell the bags you would have sold at ballparks somewhere else. Grocery stores, gas stations, Five Guys, wherever! But sell them with a twist; if someone buys multiple bags, they get a prize! If they buy 5 bags, you'll include some printer ink, or oven mitts, or whatever else you have laying around. Now that everyone is stuck buying their own ink for their home office, this will be a huge incentive. When they get 25 bags, you will send them a cutout of a ballpark vendor. We'll call him Norm. When they buy 100 bags, Norm has a mechanical, rotating arm so he can just fling bags of peanuts at unsuspecting guests.
And last, but not least, I'm calling out Bubba and our TikTok team to help move some nuts. Bubba has finally won an eating challenge. (Ed. Note: Bubba was supposed to eat 30 sliders and he was eating tacos so put an asterisk on this.) Now it's time to show what he's made of. Bubba, I challenge you to eat 10 standard 20oz bags of ballpark peanuts in half an hour, roughly 15 pounds of peanuts in 30 minutes. For the challenge, you can eat them shell on or off but you can't open the shells beforehand so that will cost you time. The only thing you can't do is drink, because I enjoy pain (hence being a Twins/Vikings/Wild/TWolves/Auburn fan). (Ed. Note: remember that time the Gophers smoked Auburn in that bowl game?) If anyone reading this thinks they can beat Bubba in this challenge, I'm sure we can set up a head to head of sorts. The TikTok team will be doing a new dance with peanuts for all of y'all so you can show us your moves for the #HowYouNut challenge.