I'm not going to lie, I'm currently on an airplane at 30,000 feet and I'm kinda drunk. So you can fully expect either the best damn literature these tiny hands (which means I wear smaller gloves) have ever produced, or you are about to read a spelling error riddled rant. I'm excited to see!
Welcome to another thrilling addition of Jack's Instagram Spam. For those of you that are new here, I post a submission sticker on my Instagram story every week and allow my readers to submit questions, comments, hot takes, etc. Nothing is off limits, which makes for some fun, interesting, and sometimes fucked up conversations. But I don't really care. I'm done playing by the rules of the internet from here on out. So open them flood gates.
Which planet is the worst in our solar system?
Pluto takes the cake. Technically, Pluto isn't even in our Solar System (since 2006) but it still sucks for causing so much commotion in the world of science. Growing up, the best way to learn the about the Solar System was by watching the Blue's Clues "Learn the Solar System" episode (BTW what is ole Steve up to these days? I feel like he's the kind of guy to get caught doing blow at a strip club in Vegas).
Through all of my grade school science lessons, we were lead to believe that Pluto was the last planet in our solar system following Uranus (LOL) and Neptune.
Then 2006 hit and in a Shyamalan-like twist, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) pulled the ultimate power move and stripped Pluto of it's planetary status. Want to know how they classify it now? They call it a "dwarf planet", which is defined as: "A planetary-mass object that does not dominate its region of space". The IAU basically said fuck you Pluto, you aren't good enough to take up space, which stripped that little cold sphere of any remaining dignity it had left after being considered the "last guy in line at the party".
And let me tell you, when it rains it pours. Following its title demotion, Pluto got booted out of our Solar System into the minor leagues, AKA the Kuiper Belt. So Pluto kinda sucks. It wasn't good enough to be a planet, and it got kicked out of the party. So I would say it is worthy of being the worst.
Legalize recreational cocaine
If you think about it, legalizing weed was the gateway law of changes for many states and countries. People aren't going to stop with legalizing the electric lettuce. They won't quit until black tar heroine is legalized, or until you can buy crystal meth at your local Walgreens. So I wouldn't be surprised if this movement was already in motion.
Just looking at this from an economic standpoint (because I am a man of business), industries that would THRIVE if coke was legalized are:
Tissues and facial wipes: Think about the amount of blood that will be regularly exiting the average accountant's nose? They might as well have a pyramid of Kleenex boxes in the janitor's closet.
Anger management/counseling: Anger outbreaks, paranoia, all of it is going to increase significantly. Thanks to Jimmy's 9th birthday party, you can expect a full on freakout in the Applebees waiting room because dad hit the booger sugar store and couldn't endure the 15 minute wait.
Drywall: If they legalize Cocaine, you better believe the number of holes punched in drywall will increase significantly. Don't forget to invest in those companies that make those big buckets of spacle used for drywall repair. Actually, fuck it. Invest all of your net worth in full sheets of drywall when the enviable happens and someone feels like destroying their entire living room wall after coming off of a 5 day bendy.
Industries that will be DESTROYED if coke was leaglized:
Mattresses: People won't need to sleep anymore. They will have no reason to own a bed, it's just going to take up space. The value of the mattress will go down, which at that point (economically) it won't even be worth another dime of coke to get you through Tuesday afternoon.
Coffee: If they actually legalize this stuff, you can expect every corporate office's coffee shop to be replaced with nothing else but an absolute MOUNTAIN of cocaine (paid for by the company obviously). Starbucks will go out of business because cocaine makes for a much faster consumption, it's less temperature sensitive, and it won't make your breath smell like dumpster.
Food: From what I've read on the internet (I must look like a loser googling cocaine facts on a two hour flight to MSP) you don't don't get hungry when you are on Coke. People wouldn't eat as much, won't buy as much food, and companies/farmers will start going out of business one by one until all we have to live off of is snowbanks of drugs.
Either way, good luck with that one.
What came first the chicken or the egg?
When people ask me these kinds of questions: "Why is 11:59 A.M. later than 12:00 A.M.?" "Who invented God?" Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways" it makes my head spin a solid 360 degrees right off of my neck
Usually I would love to complain, beg for Advil, and probably quit before you even include the question mark, but I think I know the answer to this one:
I just give a simple "Yes"... This is your weekly lesson on how to avoid being wrong 101 from someone who HATES to be wrong. By giving the wrong type of answer (one that is not an option), you are basically saying that neither answer is right, that you are taking an offroad exit on an uncharted freeway.
People can't tell you that it's the wrong answer, because it's not. It's like throwing out a court case... something crazy happened in the timeline that didn't allow us to get the right or wrong answer, so we just just shut down the question all together. By botching the answer, you aren't technically wrong (or right).
10,000 Takes loves the Gophers, but are you still a Sioux Fan?
Of course I'm a Gopher fan, except for when I'm not. When it comes to hockey, I'm 100% a Sioux fan. And don't you dare call me a bandwagoner, because I went to college at UND and spent four years in the Ralph Engelstad arena. I wasn't sober for a single game, especially the national championship. I may or may not have partaken in a failed attempted effort of flipping a car that night.
And being a Sioux fan (in hockey) is great! They swept the Gophers, are currently #1 in the country, and hold the record for most banned NCAA team logos in any stadium. Ralph had some balls, and I want to be on his team when it comes to where I watch my favorite squad play hockey. So Roll Tribe, Sioux Forever!
Harry Potter fucking slaps
You are right good sir, And I hope you are referring to the movies.. Because who has time to read books in 2020? Not me:
I know I'm going to sound like a high pitched middle schooler, but reading SUCKS. I don't even have the attention span to watch a movie without checking Twitter every 30 minutes. You think I can read an entire page of words without thinking about inappropriate stuff or falling asleep? You are mistaken.
I don't know how I got here, but it proves why someone of my attention caliber shouldn't even pick up a book.
To wrap this up, I'm going to make a football move and try to make my way to the bathroom. I can't wait to explain to the two people who are comfortably watching movies next to me that they have to get up because I thought it was a good idea to have two tall bud lights and 2 shots of fireball an hour before my plane boards...
Follow me on Instagram (jackleverentz) or send me a DM to be featured on next week's edition of Bossman's Gram Spam.