• Master Bates

Don't Fuck with the Loon

The Minnesota state bird is beautiful. There is nothing more enjoyable then fishing early morning for some walleyes and hearing the call of the loon from somewhere else on the lake. Just magical. But apparently this bird is also a cold-blooded fucking killer. A report coming out of Maine says a loon killed a bald eagle by stabbing it through the heart. To repeat, the Minnesota state bird killed the symbolic eagle by stabbing it to death. Jesus fucking Christ. That’s a lot to take in right there.

The report from the Wildlife officer said there was a dead loon chick found near the scene. This makes it very possible that the eagle was trying to kill a chick for something to eat or maybe feed its young. That’s when the adult loon stepped in and said enough of this shit. The stab was deadly accurate and killed the eagle. The wound was so clean that the bald eagle carcass was sent in to be tested for a gun shot wound. No gun powder residue was found or metal, and foul play was ruled out. The loon’s blow was probably more accurate than any gunshot could be. I knew loons could kill and catch fish with ease but this blows everything else I know about the bird out of the water.

I think we owe a thank you to the common loon for establishing a dominance among other birds. Minnesotans should raise a glass tonight and toast the bird. Who knows maybe this has happened in our own state and we have no idea about it. Now that our state bird is a cold-blooded killer, I think our state motto should be, “Stabbed through the heart and you're to blame. You give Minnesota a bad ass name.”

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