Happy Saturday my fellow degenerates. It's a warm, sunny day in late February which only means one thing. There is still nothing else to fucking do but gamble on the XFL. SO together, let's be the best to ever do it, and the first step to getting there is to take my picks this week.
DISCLAIMER* Although I am the worst sports gambler of all time, I'm also the best XFL gambler on the planet. So don't play that opposite day shit with me now. Because I guarantee you'll end up homeless and sleeping with the rats if you don't trust me now. My (XFL) record will tell you that I'm trustworthy, these picks are for real:
Houston Roughnecks @ Tampa Bay Vipers (2/22 1:00 P.M. CT)
I think the people in Vegas that make these lines aren't sober when they are doing their calculations, they must be working on other types of lines... These odds are outrageously easy if you are a regular viewer of the XFL. They are literally bumping up the lines as we speak because they realized that these are too easy, so lock your cash in while you can!
The Houston Roughnecks are an explosive team, especially after last week when they beat the future XFL champions, the St.Louis Battlehawks (SKOL HAWKS, HAWKS 1-1, @RicoSavue). But seriously, the Roughnecks lead the league in total touchdowns, they only have 1 turnover, and haven't lost a game yet. And that quarterback? He might be the best in the league so far. He absolutly lit up the Hawks defense last week. It was hard to watch as a Hawks fan. The guy can scramble in make big plays in the red zone.
On the other hand, the Tampa Bay Vipers are fucking horrible. Not a doubt in my mind that they may not win a game this season. They have only put up 12 points in the last two weeks and have scored one touchdown... And what's the deal with their quarterback situation? They have three different guys in there at a time that don't know what the hell is going on. It's an absolute disaster.
After setting the Vipers as outright winners the last two weeks, XFL betters (including me last week) have cashed out on betting against the Vipers. They aren't favored this week, but playing the Roughnecks today, I'm 100% confident that -7.5 is a great pick in this game. So hammer that one hard.
Dallas Renegades @ Seattle Dragons (2/22 4:00 P.M. CT)
This one is tough, the reason I say that is because both of these teams are still testers. They have both had some great plays and some shit moments. Their offensive stats are pretty similar, only having a 2 point difference between the amount of points each team has averaged both weeks. So I simply think this is a toss up.
So what do you do during a toss up? You bet the spread on the underdog. All you can do is hope and pray that we get a good game. The Dragons didn't let me down last week, so I feel like I need to give them another chance this week. But I wouldn't be confident enough to pick them on the Moneyline.
On top of that, we have a friend of 10,000 Takes who plays for the Dragons, and he's had some of the best kick return numbers in the league. But I'm not going to let personal bias interfere with my exert analysis (unless I do).
New York Guardians @ St.Louis Battlehawks (2/23 2:00 P.M. CT)
NO BIASED ALERT: FUCKING SKOL BATTLEHAWKS.
Before we dive into this expert analysis, how can't you bet on a team that celebrates their victory bonus with Uncrustables and Bud Lite Seltzer in such epic fashion???
I'm not picking for the Hawks because they are my favorite team. I am picking the Hawks because they are the best team. Looking back on last week's game, they would have beat the Roughnecks if it weren't for that crucial pick 6 late in the 4th quarter. That was their game. They put up almost 400 yards offensively and had 26 first downs, but their defense was the human equivalent of a block of baby swiss cheese.
The only thing throwing me off about this pick is how hot and cold the Guardians have been in the two weeks of the XFL's existence. The first week they slapped the shit out of the Vipers (who are very bad) 23-3. But then last week they get shutout by DC 27-0 and only put up 137 yards on offense...TOTAL.
HOW THE HELL IS SOMEONE SUPPOSE TO BET ON THOSE STATS.
Either way I have faith in my Hawks. Sunday will be their first game at home and an electric crowd that had their pro football team taken from them a few years ago will be out for blood. It's going to be a great game.
DC Defenders @ Los Angeles Wildcats (2/23 5:00 P.M.
I'll have to say I like the way the XFL schedules these games. The 5 P.M. game kind of feels like Sunday night football is back, even if it's a few hours earlier. I'm a fan. I'm not going to make this pick too complicated, going to let the overall numbers guide my decision.
In the first two weeks, the Los Angeles Wildcats have allowed an average of 31 points per game, which screams BET THE OVER to me after I figured that one out.
With NCAA National Champion, Cardale Jones as captain of the Defenders offense, they have put up an average of 29 points on offense per game. I think that we might be seeing a good offense vs. bad defense situation happening here. Which means I plan on hammering the Defenders, as well as the over.
You guys have two simple decisions here... You can choose to trust me or choose not too. One of those choices will make you a very rich person, so pick who you want and enjoy a great weekend of XFL football. Skol Hawks!