Oh the month of November... The only month of the year where you drink on both Wednesday night and Thursday (Thanksgiving), the month where people start to get cuffed and locked into relationships, the month that delivers the first devastating slap of winter... and finally, the month that presents many challenges for everyday people like you and me.
Usually November kicks my ass, there is too much change happening all around me. Life as I know it gets all flipped around with the cold temperatures and the beginning of the holidays.
This year on November 1st I made a decision. A simple decision. I decided that this was going to be my best month yet. I made this month my bitch only 13 days in. Now I can enjoy my pumpkin pie in peace knowing that I truly earned it. I could honestly fuck up the remaining 17 days, but it wouldn't even compare..
So how did I complete so much in such a short amount of time? I really only did 3 things:
1. I started No-Shave November early
Let the record show that the last time I shaved my beard was on October 7th. It takes me a while to get something going ok? It looks great now though. And for all of you who are about to say I'm cheating, hold up. Because I'm not. The rules state that you can't shave in the month of November, but it never says when you have to start growing it.
Therefore, the biggest misconception in the art of late year beard growing is that your beard in November started on the 1st of the month. This is the furthest thing from the truth. By starting a month ahead, people think that you grow twice as fast as you actually do. This helps you display your masculinity AND wins you that no-shave November bet stating that you won't look like a scratchy teenager by the end of the month. Money in the bank.
2. I didn't participate in No Nut November
For those of you who don't know what this challenge is, a simple google search will give you a far more comical answer than anything I could come up with. Long story short, I think that this one is for psychopaths. It's the easiest way to get tossed out of your family's thanksgiving because you've built up so much testosterone and aggression that it made you snap on Uncle Kevin when he said: "he's a Vikings fan, but they are going to fuck it all up at some point". We are never negative sports fans here Uncle Kevin (except for when we are).
Anyway, I didn't even think about this one. I hopped straight on the nope train to fuckthatville. Easy decision.
3. I listened to Christmas music for the first time this year all on my own
Its a story told since the beginning of time. You walk into that store on November 1st and hear the Michael Buble track playing and say to yourself "Christmas music? It's not even Thanksgiving yet". If I had a dollar for every time someone said that on November 1st, I would have already bought a 100 foot yacht and it wouldn't even put a dent in my finances.
This feeling of surprise is typically unwanted. So what do you do? Put on Christmas music, restrain yourself to a chair, and put that shit on repeat until that stupid quote leaves your brain. I know this one is difficult, but it has to be done. By the end of it, you can walk into Sam's Club and sing along instead of being angry that you don't get to half-ass listen to the usual playlist that helps you decide which 6 pound bag of Chicken nuggets you plan on buying for yourself. It just makes a better shopping experience early in the month.
Some people say that overcoming this many challenges in such a short amount of time isn't easy, but I'd beg to differ. If you identify your challenges, develop a plan, and execute, you can do anything you put your mind do. Damn that last sentence sounded pretty good, I might just become a motivational speaker.