Another week another outrageous blog of me writing on things people send me via Instagram. If you want to know how I'm doing this week, I ran a whole 30 minutes on the treadmill Tuesday. It's an actual miracle that my legs are still attached to my body as I am aggressively sore for a young man in his early 20's. I also mistakenly walked into a women's bathroom, filled with a group of mid-aged women, who laughed very loud at me.
These types of events are more normal then you would think for me, so I'm excited to hear what you guys have to say:
How many women have you kissed? lol
Starting with the way you worded that, I read it in my head with the voice of a 10 year old kid asking his best friend Ben at recess how many girls he's kissed.
Truthfully, I don't know the number, and you can calm the fuck down because this isn't some sort of flex. I truly just don't keep track of the number. Everyone has gone through that stage (typically Freshman year of college) where people are making out left and right because alcohol, partying, Sammy Adams, and black lights. Idk, it's not an outrageously high number, but it's also not concerningly low. I'm going to say somewhere in the middle.
Would you stick a tube up your urethra for 1 million dollars?
Yeah I would. 100%.
For those of you who don't know what a urethra is, its the hole in your penis, and it's extremely sensitive.
That would hurt, ALOT. Like I think I would rather have my bottom lip stretched across the back of my head or take a fastball thrown by future Twin's pitcher, Madison Bummgardner straight to my face.
BUT its a million dollars, that is 1,000 stacks of 1,000 dollars. An absolute stupid amount of money that I could buy some cool shit with, lets start a list:
1. A private island and a nice little old plane that could take me to it.
2. A Bugatti, I'm not sure which model, but those cars are fucking sick.
3. Investments that could ultimately turn into more money. And I can grow it until I inevitably go blow it all in Vegas.
4. An amateur baseball team. I feel like this one would be fun because you can still call yourself an "owner", but you don't have too many people pressuring you about your offseason moves. You get to just do all the fun things.
5. 358,423 Sausage egg and cheese McGriddles from Macdons. Because those things are honestly the tits.
Does the Gerrit Cole signing make the Yankees the evil empire yet again?
Yeah it does, but it's not the same empire in Star Wars that is driven by the dark side. This is an empire that is driven by the DUMBEST rule in all of professional baseball. Like the cool kids say, there is NO CAP. Fuck that was a stupid reference and I feel like punching my own face after typing it, but seriously. The fact that there is no cap limit in the MLB is unfair.
Teams like the Yankees will always have more cash on hand than Pablo Escobar's entire international cocaine business. They are like that rich friend you have that gets the coolest Christmas gifts. You can't hear the sound of that new movie you got because your friend Chad's $2500 drone is so loud.
By definition it won't be "evil" until they actually can do something with it. If the Yankees don't win the World Series this year it's an upset. Pretty sad I am saying that already but they are the epitome of being STACKED.
And what upsets me more is that Twins fans don't want to pay for someone like Madison Bummgardner, they think he's just "too expensive". As fans we need to open our fucking eyes and see that the best teams pay their way to the top, unless they have golden eye recruiting. But even that is such a gamble.
When's this recession gonna hit?
Probably in 2020. Recessions are part of the economic cycle, and some can be worse than others. All I know is that when it does hit, you can find me shorting a shit load of stocks with that million dollars I got from shoving a tube into my wiener.
If you could pick one super power what would it be, douchebag
What really throws me off is that you asked a pretty common question that someone uses to get to know someone else, but followed it up with a casual insult. The douchebag part was completely unnecessary, but I'll move past it.
If I could pick one super power it would be invisibility. I'm probably not the kind of person that would use his powers for good. Lets be honest, most of the world's problems can't be solved by super powers. I'm not going to end world hunger by being able to swim under water with the fish. I'm not going to stop violent conflict with the ability to fly, and I sure as hell can't fix climate change by getting angry and turning into a green, angry, more jacked version of myself.
So yeah, I would want to be invisible whenever I wanted. That way I wouldn't have to wait in lines, I could scare the shit out of people and convince them that their houses are haunted, and I could see all of the cool shit that people aren't allowed to see. There would be one guy who would know whether aliens actually exist in area 51 or not. And it would be me.
*Thumbs up emoji
*Thumbs up emoji right back atcha chief.
I think you may have forgotten the word "R.I.P." Because he's dead. And I'm really going to miss his music. My top three songs by Juice WRLD were:
2. Black and White
3. Lucid Dreams
And if you have a problem with that order you can save it, have some respect for those that have passed.
tôi sẽ ăn móng của bạn
These submissions in other languages are really throwing me for a loop. Half of the battle is trying to figure out which language it is. Then you have to incorrectly enter it in to google translate 4 times before finally getting all of the different letters right. At this point you start realizing that this is what you just spent 30 minutes doing on a Friday night.
This one is in Vietnamese, and it translates to: "I will eat your nails"
The fuck you will. Chewing my fingernails is a sacred part of my day. More like a ritual if you really want me to go that far. If you think that's something you are going to take away from me, you better be prepared for a fight.
If someone else was eating my nails, what would I do during 3 P.M. meetings? Horror movies? The fourth quarter of the OSU vs WI game where all OSU had to do was score on the goal line to hit the over but they couldn't? I would probably just resort to biting off my own fingers, or my toenails. But I'm afraid I don't have the flexibility for that one.
Does Kirk get a contract extension?
3RD PARTY COLTS FAN TAKE INBOUND: Yeah I think he does. He's been playing well this year and the only real weakness he has is not being able to win on Monday nights, which really isn't even his fault. Kirk may not be able to put together game wining drives against teams over 500. And he may slide 3 yards short of the first down line now and again, but give the guy a break.
He's the 10th ranked QB in the league according to ESPN (Credit to them.10,000 Takes did Gameday in MN first, but I won't mention that in this blog).
And I don't really know what else they would do.They are too good to get a good draft pick. And if they want someone better than Kirk, they aren't going to get that player for a cheaper price. So it makes the most sense to sign Kirk again and have to endure his podcasts for another few years.
The last few submissions I received were just blank spaces between quotation marks. So those Russian bots must be trying to be more sneaky about stealing data from an Instagram account that has less than 500 followers, but we appreciate the fact that WE are your target.
Writing these blogs is fun, so the more you guys send me, the better they will get.
Now, I'm going to go ice my legs some more.
Follow me on Instagram to submit Gram Spam: Jackleverentz
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