Kevin Stefanski is Too Pretty to be an NFL Head Coach

Kevin Stefanski just signed a five-year contract to become the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Stefanski was the Minnesota Vikings offensive coordinator and spent the last 14 seasons in various coaching positions for Minnesota. Unfortunately for Cleveland there is a major flaw with this signing, Kevin Stefanski is WAY to pretty to be a head coach in the NFL. The Brown's hype video of him literally looks like a GQ ad...

Now I could have chosen several reasons why this was a bad signing. Stefanski has never been a head coach at any level, his Minnesota Vikings offense failed to show up multiple times throughout the season, he was too busy coloring his beard with Just for Men to create an effective gameplan against the 49ers, and if you could shut down one player in his offense, the whole offense would shut down (Dalvin Cook). One reason, however, stood out among them all and it all has to do with his beautiful mug.

Good head coaches are UGLY. It helps them demand attention and respect, and it frees up more time to gameplan. To compensate for their lack of good looks they need to rely solely upon their football knowledge. All Stefanski did to get the job was smile and wink, and that's all it took to convince a hopeless franchise to hire him. Seriously, how much time did Stefanski spend doing his hair before games??

Let's take a good look at some of the best coaches in NFL history and you can see what they all have in common:

1. Bill Belichick

Bill Belichick is no looker, but his 6 Super Bowl rings certainly don't care.

2. Vince Lombardi

The only thing uglier than the Green Bay Packers was their legendary coach Vince Lombardi. That ugly mug won 6 NFL Championships and 2 NFL titles. What a boss.

3. John Madden

John Madden is one of the greatest men to ever live. He is a Super Bowl winning head coach, a famous sportscaster, and he brought football to video games with the intent to help people learn the game of football and participate in the game at a pretty sophisticated level. This dude has been in the zone his whole life, despite having one of the ugliest mugs in coaching history.

4. Bill Parcells

This 2-time Super Bowl winning head coach certainly isn't known for his looks.

5. Chuck Noll

Regarded as one of the greatest head coaches of all time, Chuck Noll didn't need looks when he was coaching the Steelers to 4 Super Bowl Victories.

Good coaches are ugly, period, and that's why this is a poor signing for the Cleveland Browns.


In all seriousness congrats to Kevin Stefanski, and thank you for your loyal service to the Minnesota Vikings for the past 14 years! Minnesota has your back (except for when we don't).

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