Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the 2nd edition of the Mailbag. I'd like to tell you that people stopped using the email inbox to send me hate mail, but we both know that's unlikely to ever stop. One guy tried to call me a douchebag repeatedly, but was spelling it "doosh bag." Never change readers. As always, if you have a question or questions you need answered, send 'em in to firstname.lastname@example.org or hit me on twitter @billybrew. On to the submissions.
Troy (Maple Grove):
I notice there have been some posts about fishing, so who at 10,000 takes is the best at fishing?
This depends entirely on how you define fishing. If you, like me, define fishing to mean sitting on a boat drinking beers, then I am the undisputed champion and I'll absolutely never be dethroned. However, I understand some of your definitions of fishing include a pesky requirement about actually catching fish. If you choose to define it that way you're wrong and I have no idea what the answer to the question is. I'm sure Bubba, JJ, Bates, and Zepper would all tell you they're the best. There is only one way to settle this. 10K takes fishing battle royale. Troy, were gonna get the details worked out an have an answer for you this summer. I have no idea which of these degenerates has the best shot at winning, but I can promise you that I will lead the league in beers consumed.
Matt (Center City):
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
God damn it. Don't send in questions like this. Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to answer a question like this? This sucks, but I'm a man of the people so I'm going to answer this troll-ass question.
First of all, do you know how hard it is to find a place that sells tootsie pops in bags of less than 100? As far as I can tell its impossible. That's right, I had to buy 100 of these stupid awful things to answer this question. Aside from the shopping, the actual getting to the center thing turned out to be incredibly time consuming. That owl that said the answer is 3 is a damn liar. Don't ever trust an owl. I went with a blue raspberry because that was the only flavor that didn't absolutely suck. I may have lost count but I think the answer is pretty close to 269 (nice) licks. Matt from Center City, you're banned from the mailbag.
I see Bossman got married, where are they registered so I can get him a gift?
I'm glad people are noticing. He kept the whole thing real quiet for some reason, but it's true, the boss has got himself a ball and chain. What an idiot. But anyways, yes, he would certainly be appreciative of gifts. He has asked me to handle all of the gifts so DM me on twitter and if you've got a good gift, I'll give you my address so I can check it out and give it to Jack if I don't want it. I hear the happy couple really wants a PS5 and a new set of right handed golf clubs.
Can you guys do some golf trick shots?
First of all, the mailbag is not meant to be a way to request content. Harass people on twitter with that shit. That being said, we did have one golf trick shot, so I assume we could do more. If you'd like to see Bubba dunking golf balls in ponds, he's great at that. I'm not sure what our collective level of golf talent is, but we're all dogshit basketball players and managed to get a few cool shots on the court, so there is hope. Maybe in addition to the fishing contest we get some kind of golf tourney going too. Stay tuned and as always, I'm going to dominate the beer drinking portion of that one too.
Now that it's summer and grilling szn, what's the best thing to grill?
This is a great question but a few things have to be cleared up first. The biggest issue with grilling isn't what kind of meat you're grilling, but rather what kind of grill you're using. If your setup involves the use of propane, you aren't grilling. You're just heating food. You might as well just put your meal in the oven. In order to properly grill, you should be using charcoal or ideally some kind of smoker. I use a wood-pellet smoker because it's the best of both the grilling and smoking worlds.
Once you've got the right kind of equipment, you can't really go wrong with a particular kind of meat. For my money, the best thing to grill is a steak. Just don't fuck it up. The number one way you're gonna fuck up a steak is by overcooking it. Never go past medium rare and definitely don't put ketchup on it. If you do this, you don't deserve to be eating steak. If you know someone that does this, remove them from your life. You don't need that kind of dysfunction around you.
If you're smoking something, it's hard to go wrong with ribs. A good recipe will take all day, but will result in the best meal you've had all year. Happy grilling season everyone.
With all the extra time at home, my wife has been nagging at me to take care of some home improvement projects. Do you have any tips for completing said projects.
Oh reader, you bet your ass I have tips on getting those projects done. First, if your wife wants these things done so bad, tell her to do it. This absolutely will not work, but I find the idea of you getting your ass chewed to be funny. Normally, I would tell you to have some friends come over and help, but with the covid risk, I suppose you'll want to stay away from people who don't live with you. That leaves you with only two real options. You could actually bite the bullet and just spend your weekends hammering these things out, or you could get really good at coming up with excuses. I know which one I'd go with. Try telling her you have rickets.
Best Question of the Bag
What do sexual innuendo and euphemism mean?
This question has forced me into a realization that I probably should have made much sooner. It had not occurred to me, until now, that there is nothing preventing 10 and 12 year olds from finding the site and the mailbag email. Congrats Pete, you are, I assume, the first preteen to submit a question. I'm guessing you heard an older sibling or parent using these terms and we're confused. In the interest of full disclosure, he didn't remotely spell the words correctly so this is my best guess at what he wants to know.
Innuendo is commonly used in the form of a double entendre. I look forward to your question next week asking what double entendre means. A euphemism occurs when someone substitutes an inoffensive word in the place of a more risque word. I also look forward to you asking what risque means.
I can't believe the mailbag is turning into a substitute for english classes. That's probably a good sign that it's time to wrap this up. If you want to be featured next week, send your questions in to email@example.com or hit me up on twitter @billybrew.