It is once again time for the Monday Mailbag. This week we're talking Legos, get out of jail free cards, and more. As always, if you've got a question, hit the mailbag at email@example.com and I'll tell you the correct answer.
Why wasn't there a mailbag last week?
The short answer is because I didn't write one. That's how this thing works. The longer answer is that Bossman only pays me for one article a week and I wrote one about Bubba last week so there was no room for the mailbag. Either get Bossman to pay me more or start sending me money on venmo (billymbrew) so I can afford to keep churning out the sweet, sweet content you so crave.
I know what you're thinking, the mailbag comes out on Monday and I didn't write about Bubba until Thursday. That's true. Maybe I was lying before. Maybe I was hungover and didn't feel like writing it last week. Who can ever really know these things.
What is the worst thing to step on in the dark?
Well there are a lot of good answers to this. The first one is Legos because they absolutely hurt like hell to step on regardless of whether the lights are on or off. Because I am a dog owner, I can tell you that dog toys are right up there with Legos. Some of those chew toys seem like they're made to just be a bigger heavier Legos and some of those bones are so big and heavy that you don't even have to step on them, you can simply stub your toe on them so badly you have to scream out every four letter word you know. Does this stop me from buying these items? It does not because my dog deserves better things than I do.
This leads me to the obvious correct answer here: your pet. If you have ever accidentally stepped on your dog's paw and heard them let out a yelp, you know what I'm talking about. I never even blame the dog for being tangled in my feet. I just feel guilty and want to send myself directly to prison. I would imagine cat owners feel the same way. I wouldn't know. Cats are pointless and I'd never own one.
If you had 3 get out of jail free cards what would you do with them?
I would punch Bob Barker 3 separate times. Have I forgiven him for what he did to Happy Gilmore? No. Would I feel bad about it because he is 96 years old? Also no. Unfortunately this is not the real answer.
The real answer is I would sell them. I know, I know, not a sexy answer, but its true. There are lots of rich bastards that are in trouble for big time crimes and I would be more than happy to take several million dollars from those pricks. Wait, now I'm mad thinking about rich pricks. I'm saving one of the cards and giving Jeff Bezos a beating.
I've been trying to buy and sell things on craigslist and its a nightmare, what is wrong with people?
Neal, I assume you are a young buck and have not yet discovered that people are mostly stupid assholes and bastards.
In particular the issue on sites like craigslist is that everyone overvalues the shit out of their own stuff while simultaneously undervaluing yours beyond belief. This is why a moron will buy a dresser for $400, use it for 3 years, break one of the drawers, and then try to sell it to you for $375. This is also why someone will see your brand new desk that you have to get rid of because it doesn't fit in your office and the assholes at the furniture store won't take it back, and offer you a god damn nickel for it while also demanding that you deliver it to them. I'm sure there are some good deals on craigslist but I'm not sure they're worth wading through all the bullshit to find.
What is something you could give a 40 minute presentation on with no preparation?
Nearly anything. While I know nearly everything, you don't have to in order to speak on it. If people needed to know anything before offering their opinions on it, twitter wouldn't even exist. The key is just to be confident. Most people won't have the nuts to point out that you're full of shit if you sound confident because they themselves are terrified you might point out that they're full of shit and then they'll get laughed at.
Watch the movie Catch Me if You Can. That guy fooled everyone into thinking he was a pilot, doctor, and lawyer because he just acted like he was. For all you guys know I'm not even really a lawyer, but none of you have questioned it yet have you. I rest my case.
Morgan (Apple Valley)
With the state fair cancelled, what other summer tradition can I replace it with?
It really is a bummer than the state fair isn't happening. I didn't even spend a whole lot of time there but it still sucks. Protip: a certain member of the take might be able to help hook you up with Sweet Martha's cookies if you play your cards right.
As to your question, going to the lake is the ultimate tradition, right? You can fish, swim, get drunk, gamble, light off fireworks, steal your neighbor's boat, or whatever else it is you like to do. There are basically no rules when you're at the lake and I'm told if you've got whiteclaws there aren't any laws either.
If the lake isn't your thing, the new summer tradition sweeping the nation is *checks notes* watching NHL playoff hockey in August? Man is 2020 a piece of shit year.
Best Question of the Bag
With all those statues getting torn down, should the towns put up new statues?
I mean it makes sense to put something new up right. What else are they gonna do with all those big stone bases that the statues sat on top of? The real question is what statue are they going to put up that wouldn't get torn down. The answer...
As always, hit the mailbag at firstname.lastname@example.org and also hit my venmo at billymbrew.