• Master Bates

Mike Zimmer's Ranch

The 2020 NFL Draft is complete and it only took 4 hours, per round, per day. Finally some sports news to focus on and try to fill the void in my heart that the MLB has left empty. When I should be focusing on Justin Jefferson at wide receiver for the Vikings, the Packers pissing off Aaron Rodgers, and the Saints hardly making any selections, I find myself thinking about something else. Mike Zimmer's hunting ranch and his wall of beautiful animal trophies. While everyone is giving the Vikings and other teams their draft grades I'll take a moment to go through something far more important, Zimmer's ranch and taxidermy mounts.

A fireplace and wooden ceiling makes the house look beautiful. I took a look of his ranch from an outside view and its even more amazing. Wooden floors bring the whole room together. The huge TV also helps. I'm surprised he doesn't have an old hunting show pulled up on it. Then my attention goes to the animals he has hanging high and proud for all to see. I can't decide if those ducks are real but I can only assume that they are. Zimmer seems like a guy who can hit a duck flying at 30 mph no problem. I am also stumped on what the fuck one of his mounts is. It could most likely be some common animal from down in Kentucky or even from Africa. Either way hell of a trophy for sure. A few more common animals hang on the wall and those deserve a more in-depth break down.

First off is my favorite: the elk. Its a beautiful majestic creature. Or to some people a deer with big fucking horns. Its the center piece above his fire place. Zim holds this trophy to a higher regard than the rest. Most people hope to get drawn for an elk tag in their life time. Zimmer has his on display for everyone. Hopefully he made a delicious chili from the meat and saved the backstraps for something special. My estimated cost for this mount is $1500.

Next is Mike's White Tailed Deer. Its no 30 point buck but has an amazingly wide rack. I like to think Zimmer shot this deer in Minnesota on his first hunting season here as coach. Mike is a man of few words and the Vikings do seem to have their bye week during the deer rifle season. Maybe this was planned and he found a way to bag a buck opening weekend one year. I'm sure the venison from this deer was turned into some steaks that Zimmer ate for weeks on end with bottles of red wine and fat dips of tobacco out of a sunflower seeds bag. Estimated cost +chewing tobacco= $704.99

The Vikings coach seems like a guy who can keep a secret. I'll bet my last Coors Light that there was many more mounts we didn't get to see on TV last night. In his basement he has to be hiding something special. I bet its a full body mount of sasquatch. Maybe that's how he strikes fear into his newly drafted rookies. Hell who knows maybe ole Bigfoot is alive and gave Zimmer a hand at drafting last night. Estimated cost +beef jerky to feed sasquatch= Priceless.

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