Hello and welcome to another edition of the Mailbag. I hope everyone is staying healthy and safe. As always, if you've got a question you've been pondering, send it to email@example.com and I'll tell you the answer. On to the submissions.
What is your take on what's been happening in Omaha?
What do you mean what's been happening in Omaha? Your question is incorrectly phrased as though Omaha is a place. It is not. Omaha is simply a made up word Peyton Manning used to scream out to confuse the dummies on defense. Next you're gonna ask me about whats going in in Greenbow, Alabama or Kokomo. Let' keep the questions grounded in reality here.
I'm gonna be moving for the first time in 8 years and I hate moving. Do you have any tips to make is suck less?
Of course I do. Moving is easy. All you need is a few cases of beer and a bunch of pizzas. As long as you have that, you can get all of your strong friends with trucks to do it for you. Helluva lot cheaper than hiring a moving crew. Most guys will do nearly anything for beer and pizza. In fact, I might help you move if you're getting decent beer and the pizza isn't from somewhere that sucks ass. Plus there is the added bonus of getting tanked with your friends. Is there a risk of a drunk friend breaking your shit? Yes, but that's a risk I'm willing to let you take.
Now that summer is getting in full swing, I realize I lost the sunglasses I usually wear. Got any recommendations?
You have no idea how lucky you are to be asking this question to possibly the foremost authority on purchasing sunglasses. You see, I have purchased sunglasses that cost more than $100 on at least 3 occasions because I am an idiot. Do I still have any of those sunglasses? Absolutely fucking not. Just flat out lost the first pair. The other two were claimed by Wefest. Snapped the frames off one set while playing slip and tip. Left the other pair on the side table of a grill a little too close and melted the shit out of them. So reader, the answer is buy the cheapest pair of sunglasses you can find because you'll just lose or destroy them anyways.
Adam (River Falls):
I'm thinking of going to law school, should I do it?
I don't fucking know. Do you want to? I went to law school because I graduated and wasn't ready to go get a real job. I needed an excuse to stay in school and law school seemed like it wouldn't be as gross as med school so here I am. Would I do it again? Probably. You see, I am an asshole and being a lawyer is a pretty good job for an asshole. I'll warn you though, some of the biggest douchebags on the planet will be your law school classmates. Bank it. For whatever reason, law school attracts insufferable pricks who are fun but also absolute door knobs. Good luck.
Ellis (St. Cloud):
What's the best beer to drink in the summer?
This is an important question that depends on several factors. Most importantly whether or not you're poor. If you're poor the answer is Busch Light. No need to overthink this one, just keep it simple stupid. If you're rolling like Bubba and have the extra cash to be taking strangers to steakhouses, you've got a few more options. When I think of a summer beer, I think about something I can sit in the sun and drink 14 of 'em. This rules out anything dark and anything with a real strong flavor. I'm also ruling out Miller lite because it fucking sucks. Sue me. We're left with the standard popular light beers. Coors Light is just more expensive Busch so I think that's our answer. Although to be honest, why not mix in some shandys or claws? This summer is off to a rough start but with a drink in your hand, I'm confident we can make it a great one.
Sam (Falcon Heights):
What would be the worst buy one get one sale of all time?
This is tougher than I thought it would be. Caskets jumped out at me at first because what are you going to do, die again? But that's not really that bad. I mean you end up with a casket you don't need but there's gotta be something worse. Surgery to remove a kidney or lung? That's going to result in you needing a casket so that sounds pretty bad. Colonoscopy? They sound like they are... not fun and having a second one sounds even less fun. That's not it either because there is something way more painful than that. Tickets to any Wisconsin Badger sporting event. Better dead than red.
Best Question of the Bag
If you could replace one character of a movie with Danny Devito and the rest of the movie stays the same, who do you swap out?
Two movies immediately popped into my mind and made me laugh so hard I nearly pissed myself. They are, Devito replacing Leo in Titanic and Devito replacing Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. There is something absolutely hilarious to me about the idea of Danny Devito playing the heartthrob character in a serious movie. I also love the idea of Devito replacing Michael Jordan in Space Jam. I'm sure I'm missing some good ones. Hit me up @billybrew on Twitter with your ideas.
If there's something on your mind, send it to 10Ktakesmailbag@gmail.com and I'll take a shot at answering.