As Spring Training and MLB baseball begins, it's time I deliver on a promise I made back in September of 2019 when I started 10,000 Takes. Although my goal was to infiltrate the Minnesota Twins marketing department and blog about the promotional giveaways before anyone else, my connections to the inside were just not adequate enough. It's safe to say that you need level 5 clearance to to find this sensitive info out before anyone else, and my access got me just past level 2.
But that's okay. They have finally released which gifts they are going to give fans in 2020 and you bet your ass that I'm here to rate the quality and deliver my unfiltered truth about of each of these giveaways:
Apr 6-8: Twins magnet Schedule
A flimsy fridge magnet? That SUCKS. I'm honestly disappointed that the team of people who make these crucial decisions think that a magnet schedule in 2020 is even WORTHY of being called a promotion. We all know this is one of those things you take home, throw on the fridge, and never look at again. Anytime I want to know when and where the Twins play, I google it, or at the very least I use the ESPN app. We aren't working in the fucking coal mines anymore and tuning into the game on AM radio. We need to get with the times Minnesota.
It's not that I wouldn't take one if you gave it to me, there is a great spot for it on my mini fridge next to all of the brewery stickers. But I just don't think it deserves its own spot on this calendar. 1 out of 5
Apr 18: Corduroy Twins Bomber Hat
I will defenitly be attending this game for a hat like this. Catch me in a tent the day before if I have to. One of these will be in my possession on Saturday, April 18th and I will 100% be drunkenly wearing it the whole game.
I honestly might shit my pants if it's actually going to be made out of corduroy material. For those of you who don't know me very well, I have two different colored pairs of corduroy pants that I wear 4 out of 7 days a week. They are making a big comeback according to me, so this is a great call by the organization. I also own a bomber hat because I'm from the midwest and I don't care who knows it. The thing is like a Snuggy for your entire face and not a single snowflake or cool breeze is penetrating the Fort Knox of winter hats, A.K.A the Bomber hat.
And the Twins logo is the cherry on top. It will be most stylish hat on the block after we win the world series. This hat is a grand slam (punny) and it deserves a 5 out of 5.
May 4: Star Wars Twins T-Shirt
We may not know what this looks like until a week before the game. But I fucking love the idea of it and will be 100% attending this as well. That sounds like the greatest crossover since chocolate and peanut butter (hot take, if you ever wanna argue candy direct your opinion to my burner email @ me).
I feel like it could go either one of two ways. The first way is that the shirt is absolutely hilarious regardless of your feelings towards the movies. Possibly a shirt where they photoshop the faces of big named players onto one of the covers? Could be a great bit. The other way is that they go too nerdy with it to the point where you don't want to wear it in public because you're afraid a woman may never look at you again. You could possibly be alone forever unless you destroy it in a certain sized bonfire and perform some sort of ancient ritual.
Either way, both of these things can happen and we won't really know how good this shirt will be until they release the pictures, but thats all part of the excitement right? Because of the unknown factor, I'm going to give it a safe 3 out of 5.
May 9: Pet Calendar
This sounds like a quality bathroom item and is quite the improvement from the stupid magnetic schedule, you wanna know why?
Because these will have animals on them, and I'm assuming they are going to be cute animals wearing Twins stuff. So I'm all in for that. 4 out of 5.
May 9-10: Reusable Twins Tote
A tote??? Like the plastic things that you put Christmas decorations in? Or the one that Jesse Pinkman dissolved a human body in from Breaking Bad? Either way I already have enough Twin's stuff in the storage room and it doesn't make much sense to slap a Twins logo on something like that and give it out to people at games.
Now that I mention it, I'm questioning the logistics behind a gift like this. Do you give them out to the first 1,000 people in the door or the last 1,000 people to leave??? Because god knows it's going to be pain in the ass to carry that thing to your seat and rest it on your legs. Those things are too tall, you would't even be able to see Nelson Cruz's 5th home run of the game, or Josh Donaldson's triple play.
The only solution to that would be starting a stack of them at the end of each aisle and make the ushers watch them like British royal guards. It would be great until drunk Todd stumbles up and grabs one on his way out. How would you be able to verify who in the aisle got one or who didn't?? Oh my fucking head just hurts thinking about it, I'm done. 2 out of 5.
May 26: Justin Morneau Bobblehead
This one is great because I already own Joe Mauer's last game bobblehead. It sits right next to my Indianapolis Colts AFC championship football. Next to that is my special edition Travis Scott Reese' Puffs box. My dresser is already the best decorated in the entire state of Minnesota, so adding this to it will shoot it into the stratosphere.
And no I'm not going to be that dickhead that immediately turns around and sells it on eBay for $150.00 to some guy who showed up 20 minutes late and really wanted one. I'm going to keep it forever because I'm a real fan not a traitor. Bossman loves Morneau, and Bossman loves bobbleheads. 5 out of 5.
With that there are two things that I'm certain about in this Twins upcoming 2020 season. I know that I will be betting the over for every single game, because this Bomba squad is going to be out of this world. And I know that I will be there for most if not all of these giveaways, because I really like free shit.