The MLB Completely Cucked Over the Hot Dog Eating Contest

Re-scheduling opening day at the same time as the 48th annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest?? Bold move cotton, we'll see how this one plays out.


Fuck You Gary Bettman, why couldn't you wait one more day? I was really looking forward to watching Joey Chesnut virtually house over 70 meat missiles this year and shatter his previous record of 74. The hot dog eating contest is more of a tradition than some think, it's an annual event that you didn't even know you watch.


By the way, is there actually an eater with the last name "Anus", because if so that hilarious.



Let me paint a picture of the common man's 4th of July:


8:23 A.M.

You wake up in your cabin somewhere up north with a severe case of the Irish Flu, hungover as hell. You said you weren't drinking last night to save yourself for the 4th, but didn't pass up the sand infested bottle of fireball when it came your way at the fire. Yikes.


9: 55 A.M.

After scrolling through social media for over an hour straight, you finally muster up the courage to stand up and go for one of those stale donuts in the kitchen from the weekend before.


9:56 A.M.

You sit on the couch, let out a sigh and say "fuck me" and grab the remote to check to see if that drunken parlay you placed the night before crashed and burned as expected.


9:57 A.M.

As you turn on ESPN, ready to watch SportCenter advertise "Wednesday Night Baseball" every other fucking commercial break, you see a surprisingly thin group of men eating hot dogs faster then that time you got into the Doritos after taking a hit from the electric lettuce.


10:04 A.M.

After watching for a little bit and thinking its stupid, you stand up, thumb planted on the power button, ready to stop... BUT WHAT? Something pulls you in, you keep watching because its almost mesmerizing how these guys don't take a single break... Hot dog after hot dog. And if you get lucky, it might end in a barn burner, a neck and neck hot dog race.


12:00 P.M.

You hop on the four wheeler after having a couple because that apparently isn't a DUI up north. You buy yourself some hotdogs along with another case of Busch Light because its the 4th of July and you have an excuse to be trashy.



To the MLB, please don't fuck with tradition, this is the way we have always done the morning of the 4th and a pandemic shouldn't change that. Its looking like we have reached a crossroads where I will have to decide what to watch on Independence day. Luckily for me, my room looks like that of a 42 year old virgin as I have 6 screens within 3 feet of each other, so I can watch both at the same time. But what do those people at their cabins do? What are they suppose to watch before lighting off a shit load of illegal fireworks? Don't make people pick one or the other, make the right decision Gary!

©2019 by 10,000 Takes