What are sports without a couple cocktails?? When Rory Mcllroy tried to argue that drinking should be banned at PGA tour events, he was completly oblivious to the fact that it would ruin the tournaments and no one would even show up. What a fucking stupid idea Rory, I'm glad they didn't let you ruin golf tournaments. Drinking is part of the game, part of the experience. Theres something about cracking a beer at 9 A.M. on a Sunday morning in a parking lot filled with thousands of strangers. There's something about paying $9 for a Miller Lite but enjoying it because you are in pissing distance from your favorite players.
But at every sporting event, there's always THAT guy who takes it too far, gets too loaded, and finds himself on his ass with a few broken teeth yelling "I didn't do anything wrong, this is bullshit". So I'm here to shed some light on these unsung heroes and rank the best ones to ever do it:
10. Courtside Raptors Guy
Get a load of this fucking guy. Judging by his backwards hat and skinny jeans, he just got off of the "my best friend is a trust fund baby and got us courtside seats" boat. If you're going to stand up and chirp some of the best players in the NBA, I would recommend losing the pounder in your right hand. Anything you say from this point on is going to be interpreted as drunken ranting, not legitimate chirping.You just flushed your credibility down the toilet along with your opportunity to not look like a dickhead, Chad.
9. Stool Stealer
I would guess this chick was on her way from the bar to the tailgate where she anticipates much standing is in her near future. One thing that sucks about tailgating is that you find yourself standing around ALOT. Yes its fun to bounce around from tent to tent, but damn your legs get sore after a while and your drunkeness can't outweigh the pain coming from your feet. However, this pioneer of pregaming just stole the fucking barstool right out of the pub. She can walk around with that and place it anywhere she finds herself. Pure Genius.
8. "My Son Plays Soccer"
This Dad is at every game and he bought those front row seats anticipating that he might actually have the chance to yell something at a player. From the looks of it, this poor German soccer player is getting a Pilsner smelling "My son is your number one fan and he's dog shit at soccer, but I think you could really teach him" type talk. I know thats exactly what this character in the blue hat is saying.
7. Sleepy Boi
"Mr. Sandman, bring my a dream. Make me the drunkest, anyone has seen". Theres nothing like drinking until you fall asleep. We have all been there once or twice. But at a sporting event with thousands of people? Thats a different story... He is so fucking knocked out that the people around him are starting to use the flattest part of his head to stack cups. Yikes.
My only question is what kind of freak sporting event this is?? Why are two people wearing fedoras and all white? Why is another guy wearing a jersey while sleeping beauty is in a button down with crocs? I know you get to see the full spread at these types of events, but theres a lot that doesn't add up here.
6. Every Nascar Fan Ever
How they snuck that massive funnel in the front gate is beyond me. But this pedal-to-the-metal, redneck fueled sport seems to bring out the drunkest side of every city. There's nothing fun about having your eardrums shattered every 40 seconds UNLESS you have 12 Budweisers to mix with it. Lets play a drinking game: Every time you see a confederate flag, take a shot. If you play this a Nascar event, you should plan on leaving the track in an ambulance next to the guy whose car just exploded.
5. The Honest Fan
We're all thinking it but she's the one saying it. Someone has to be the honest voice of the people and she's the one doing it... From what I observe this is extremely impressive. Considering the fact that this is at a Cubs game, I'd say that this game started at 12:00 P.M. MINIUMUM... You have to get pretty bombed the night before to still be feeling that by the start of an afternoon baseball game. I'm not saying it can't be done, because that was me on Thanksgiving day this year, but it's impressive. Nancy must have had herself a hell of an outing the night before this photo was taken.
4. Wriggly Straggler
If you've ever been to Wriggly Field or seen it on TV, you would look at that green fence thinking: "Why is that there, what kind of person would ever fall on the field?"
This guy is why shit like this exists, and thanks to him this is why Top Golf has a similar net. It's there to catch drunk dudes named Tommy who try and go a beer an inning. Once that liquid confidence hits your brain, depth perception goes directly out the window. He thought he was giving an extra reach to catch that home run, when in all reality the ball was caught 20 feet in front of the warning track.... And what's embarrassing about this situation is that those nets are not easy to get out of. You are squirming left and right in front of thousands of people looking like a large animal that has just been trapped, or a monkey trying to hump a football. All around NOT A GOOD LUCK DUDE!
3. Fight Club
Are you surprised that this photo features scummy Philly trash??? Me neither, because their fans (along with Chicago) are the worst to ever do it. Witnessing a fight on the field is one thing, but seeing two drunk douchbags swing haymakers in the nosebleeds is something even better. It truly hits different. The origins of these fights are never clear, it can be anything from one guy accidentally bumping into the other, to a misunderstood chirp that escalated a screaming match into a full blown fist fight.
Actually though, who the hell wakes up in the morning and says: "I'm going to the Eagles game today, I think I might drink too much and fight another fan in front of families"... Philly Scum, thats who!
2. Shirtless Fat Guy
Why look at those hot cheerleaders on the field when this guy is in section 5A putting on an absolute clinic? The kid sitting 3 people to the left of him clearly agrees with what's going on. This guy realized the game was over and his team had won, so it was his golden opportunity to perform a proper celebration. What are they gonna do, kick him out a game that is already over?It's amazing that this guy uses one hand to twirl his shirt in a stripper like-fashion, while gripping a stripper-like pole in the other hand. If this was Dancing With the Stars, that British fuck would have no choice but to give him a 10/10 for dedication alone.
Also for those of you who are anti-body shaming, I would find this guy to be the poster child of your movement, because confidence is just pouring out of this creature as he twirls that shirt, which is probably stained blue from pregame jello shots.
1. "Is that a dead body???"
Yeah, it honestly might be...
Something I've learned in this whole process is that Soccer Fans go HARD, probably harder than Nascar fans. It's incredible how much these people party, especially in European countries. If soccer is something that makes you drink so heavily that your lunch comes back up, then America is far behind the curve.
I've seen people get carried out of stadiums because they are passed out, but I've never witnessed something so incredibly disgusting in a public place like this. I mean this guy must have said the word "no" 0 times that day. He consumed anything that was thrown his way, and judging by the fact that it's still light out, I'm going to assume he missed the game. Remember when I talked about leaving the stadium in an ambulance?? This guy may have left in a body bag, but lets hope he's okay...