Good evening everyone, and allow me to introduce myself. I am the person you hate, and I like it that way. Think Christian Laettner, Dennis Rodman, George Steinbrenner, etc. You'll see me around 10,000 takes ready to remind anyone that thinks their sports teams have a shot, why they don't. I'll also give you great gambling advice unlike other employees on this blog (see any of Bossman's predictions). But, seen as how we do not have any god damn sports to gamble on currently, I will be spending my time shitting on most things that you Minnesota freaks love. So, let us begin....
All you people talk about is your fucking lakes. First off, you don't even have the most lakes you dumb ass liars. And second, if you've seen one lake, you've seen them all. Its just some water that isn't as pretty as ocean water with some trees around it. There are plenty of other places that smell better than human and fish piss that I can drink at. Hard pass.
It's way too cold for way too long up there and you all know it. Snow in October is absurd and no one can convince me otherwise. It's no wonder the Twins don't win shit every year, they're buried under snow for the first two months of the season!
And finally sports:
This part makes me laugh more than anything. Jesus Christ, Cleveland is more successful than your sorry excuse for sports franchises. Let's go with the most recent disasters for each team. The Wolves ran off Jimmy Butler because KAT is soft as hell and doesn't really want to win. The Vikings signed....KIRK COUSINS to be the thing that gets you guys over the Aaron Rodgers hump. I mean dear god, Case Keenum is just diet Kirk Cousins. Did you really think much would change? He also just ran Stefon Diggs off so there's that. I'll be honest I don't know shit about the Wild and I think that tells you enough about how pitiful they are. And finally my favorite Minnesota sports team: the fucking Twins. I have sources that tell me they are working with CBS to buy the copyright to the Master's "A tradition unlike any other," to refer to the tradition of losing to the Yankees in the playoffs every single time they actually decide to show their faces in the postseason. As a Yankee fan, nothing makes me smile more than hearing the Twins have clinched a playoff spot because I know we are guaranteed at least an ALCS spot.
Until next time....